Chatting with a friend about dating, I was struck by how much of our conversation applied to friendships, family and work environments.
“Don’t be with someone who triggers you into anger or insecurities,” I told her. “If they do that to you, then they do it to everyone. They’ll do that to your children, family and friends.”
“Well, 80% of guys are like that,” she said (there’s probably some truth in that number). “It doesn’t leave much room for meeting a nice guy, and I want to find love. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.”
Is it worth that? Is it worth compromising your emotional and physical health to be with someone who keeps you stirred up and upset more than feeling supported and safe? That isn’t finding love, that is finding entertainment. It provides a distraction from things we don’t want to face. It helps us stay in denial because we are engulfed in solving the puzzle to make the relationship work when that puzzle piece doesn’t exist. That is it’s own form of addiction.
People who seek relationships are craving something deep and meaningful. It seems they feel that briefly while in someone’s arms. It is possible that the other is giving you that experience in exchange for immediate pleasure or that person is enjoying a similar space with you in that moment. You both let go of anger, fear, guilt, shame, whatever is standing in the way of you being healthy humans who nurture each other in a loving way. In those moments, maybe it is real and then it digresses back to a distance again that is soul sucking.
Two wounded people coming together have an opportunity to work on themselves and heal each other. The odds of being with someone who’s been wounded in some way is probably 100%. I’ve never known anyone for any length of time that isn’t dealing with some sort of shadowy something. Sometimes they know what it is and sometimes they can’t quite place their finger on it. Most of it stems from childhood and then we attract people or situations into our lives who reinforce our belief that the world is that way, that everyone is that way. We have to break our patterns of thinking, become discerning about the type of people we have in our close inner circle. If someone is harming you in some way, distance yourself from them. We have choices.
The choices we make now shape tomorrow and the rest of our lives. It’s important to be aware of who is being affected by the fallout of our decisions. It may ultimately affect the experiences your children have in this life who will develop similar patterns. It’s important to be lucid in every moment, to be conscious and aware of where our thoughts, beliefs and actions are taking us.
I know a lot of people who have a really wonderful inner circle of friends who are compassionate and support each other, many are in loving relationships. Of course, there are probably challenges, but no one is being irresponsible with the others’ emotions. No one is bullying others in their group. Such behaviors are incompatible in loving relationships.
If you are consistently attracting people who harm your spirit, then you need to work on yourself and ask why…??? What is it inside of me that needs to shift?